Attn. Adoptive and Foster Parents, I’m no Expert but here’s some advice you can use.

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Stranger, Danger! That’s what we teach our children right? If someone approaches you and makes you feel unsafe then you runaway and find a safe adult, correct? Here’s my advice for Foster and Adoptive Families APPLY THE SAME RULES TO ADOPTIONLAND! Over the past few years I’ve advised hundreds of people when it comes to FosterCare and Adoption. I speak on FOSTERCARE, ADOPTION AND KINSHIPCARE those are my lanes of knowledge and that’s where I stay. What I want you to be careful of are those “Experts” or “Voices” who feel they know Adopt every layer of FosterCare, International Adoption, Domestic Infant Adoption, KinshipCare, Surrogacy, IVF,  etc. Here’s a news flash, THEY DON’T KNOW IT ALL


Whenever I do public speaking at a conference or training, one of the first things I say is “I’m no Expert, but here’s my experience and advice”. My message won’t reach every person in the room but hopefully it will make them think. The message is always the Empowerment and Perseverance for our children.. I’m not there to change their minds, argue or insult. The same goes for when I interact online in numerous groups/communities. When I comment I have something constructive to add based on my experience. It doesn’t come from second hand information based on what someone has told me, actually if someone has told me anything about someone else I usually do my own research and gather FACTS not OPINIONS


ANYWAY!

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You need to seek out individuals who come from a sincere place when interacting with you. If you come across me in Adoption Land I’m respectful, I don’t laugh at your comments or experiences when you’re in need of support.  I try to show ways to uplift your children, your family and help you explain to others on the outside why you are so passionate about your children. Listen to me, you’re not Fragile because you require RESPECT from others when interacting or that you have concerns about your child’s well being. To some, me saying this to you is “DANGEROUS to the Adoption Land”, well so be it. You are a human and you should be treated like a human IN ALL SPACES. Is there much to learn? OF COURSE! But I wouldn’t get my advice from individuals who are so far left or right and quick to pass judgment on your situation when they don’t live your life everyday. When you speak me, I’m genuine with you, I show Compassion for your situation and non judgmental. If anyone tells you different about my intentions I can Promise you they don’t personally know me at all.


You as a Foster Parent don’t seek help from Former Foster Youth just to be figuratively smacked in the face. You as a adoptive parent don’t ask for help just to be called Fragile and a Narcissist because you have a genuine question or concern. In fact here’s a actual checklist of a Narcissistic: 


  • Lack of empathy

  • Exaggerated sense of self-importance

  • Feelings of entitlement

  • Selfishness in relationships

  • Enviousness and suspicion of other people's motivations

  • A need for excessive praise and attention

  • Arrogant and judgmental in attitude.


And it’s also a RARE condition, so someone generalizing Foster/Adoptive Parents as Narcissist should definitely be a red flag for you. I’m sure these characteristics sound familiar to some individuals you have came across.


MOVING ON. 


When I blog, I do blog to educate FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. My perspective is from a KinshipCare/FosterCare child, as a Foster Parent and a Transracial Adoptive Parent. I can only offer you advice from my point of view. YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO TAKE IT and I won’t judge you if you don’t or if you disagree. You know why? Because I don’t personally walk in your shoes, I don’t personally know the children you are caring for on a daily basis or their personality. And remember this NO ONE IN ADOPTION LAND KNOWS. So if my blog gives you something to think about then mission accomplished. That’s what blogs are for, right? 

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Don’t stand by as a Foster and Adoptive parents and be abused by those who claim they want to educate you. Personally I’ve NEVER learned anything from a educator that insults me. Don’t apologize for wanting to learn or having concerns. Choose to learn from others who respect you as a person. We know our children have suffered because of others poor choices, yes we can learn from others on POSSIBLE ways to help them, but there are no guarantees! And ANYONE that guarantees ANYTHING is flat out liar! We can’t predict the future of the children in our care. Here’s my Advice, the best thing to do when it comes to our children is remain vigilant, keep the lines of communication open and hope that they make the right choices for choices for their lives. You nor anyone else can control the feelings of an Former Foster Youth or Adoptee they will come to their own conclusion on how they were brought up. Some will have more positive feedback and some will have more negative feedback. Here’s more advice Ask the ones with positive experiences what was done right and ask those with negative experiences what went wrong then if YOUR CHILD IS OLD ENOUGH ASK THEM DIRECTLY. They have a voice to speak for themselves. 


What I’m saying in a nutshell, there are individuals out in Adoption Land with an agenda and it has nothing to do with education ladies and gents. The objective is to tear you down and control the narrative of Adoption in a extremely negative way. They want to condemn anyone that doesn’t speak the same narrative and paint them as the enemy. So don’t pretend that you don’t know who they are. There are plenty of individuals that can educate you in a respectful manner. Let’s be honest, we all know there are dark sides to FosterCare and Adoption. But why would we demonize a woman wanting to be a mother through adoption or Surrogacy or one who is infertile. As long as they are honest with their children what does it matter to anyone else? Your job as a Foster/Adoptive Parent is to provide your child with the resources they need to be productive and at times it’s an extremely hard thing to do, but you don’t have to endure rude interactions from people over the Internet to get those results. 


I realize there are those in Adoption Land who don’t agree on how I do things but I’m not changing. My older sons have gave me advice when writing my blogs when I’ve needed them to in the past. I appreciate it because I’m no Expert. They have had their ups and downs with adoption, maybe one day they will tell you about it. I can only give you my perspective because that’s all I have to give and nothing more. I’m not here to control how you think or talk, I’m not going to judge you because you don’t know acronyms or proper titles or because you don’t agree with me. I’ll just offer my advice and keep it moving along NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.

barry farmer